Last Sunday was Easter. Yay! I set out to do 40 posts during this Lent season in acknowledgement that my need for perfectionism holds me back from following Jesus (see the post “My Personal Challenge of 40 Imperfect Days“). I published 36. This is pretty amazing since it took me 7 months to do 10 posts before this challenge. It’s also amazing that I feel good about this number. I am pretty sure I would have beat myself black and blue for a couple of months if this had happened any other year before now.
I am learning that I don’t have to do something perfectly. I just have to do it. Of course, I have room to grow in this area. The reason I published 36 posts instead of 40 is because I was embarrassed. I didn’t have the emotional or physical energy to publish anything on my blog some days, and I didn’t want to do any more one liners or drawings than what I had to do. In other words, I was more worry about what others may think than being faithful. I am not condemning myself. It is just an honest assessment of why I did not publish at least something in order to fulfill my commitment to Jesus. It is ok to be honest, you know. God forgives. He transforms, too.
I had other takeaways from this journey of mine. I really need to invite my friends and family into my struggles, moving forward. This writing challenge was super hard, physically and emotionally. Being trap in the bonds of perfectionism means dealing with anxiety of not doing things right and fear of offending people, which leads to possible rejection. I did not let people know about the pure madness in my head. My friends and family just knew I was withdrawing. I did share some of my struggles with my husband, but not as much as I needed. I really need my friends and family as I go forward. This challenge has made that crystal clear.
I realize that I can’t write for hours everyday. It drains me, and I have little time for my relationships. During Lent, I didn’t rearrange my responsibilities. I wrote during my free time. This meant I was pouring out but not filling up.
Since I now know that it is impractical to write for long periods everyday. I need to get creative. I can do more videos. I can dedicate a few days to just writing. I can continue to do my childlike drawings and attach food for thoughts to them. I can practice more with various voice recognition technology to see if I can get something to work with my speech impediment. I can deal with my insecurities so that I can have someone dictate my words. I need to use all these avenues so that I can share my thoughts with you guys.
I have also learned that there is freedom in freedom. When I just wrote, drew, or spoke, without thinking about how it would be received, I felt free. By that, I mean I felt joy, connection with Jesus, empowered… whole. When I was fearful of offending people was when I felt heavy, weighted, disconnected to Jesus and with myself. The words would not come. I had to fight for every single word. I felt miserable and worthless. Focusing on what I have to say brings me life, not focusing on the possible outcomes. (Side note: I do not support President Trump for so many reasons, but his lack of fear of offending others has caused me to be more brave. Hmm, I guess God will use whoever He wants to teach us things.)
Through my blog, I have learn that we still need much conversation around disabilities. I have had several people say that my post have given them new perspective on the issues that people with disabilities face. So even though it’s 2017, there is still work to be done for us in the disability community and those who are a part of our lives.
I thank Jesus for giving me the courage to tackle my perfectionism issues during this Lent season. I have learned His way of Trusting Father God is way better than being safe.
Unmasking Question :
What kind of freedom are you seeking from God? When you look at Jesus on the cross, I sincerely pray that you will understand the lengths He will go to shows He cares about our bondage.
I pray that prayer for myself because I so easily forget.
Let’s Keep Being Brave Together.